Easter

So here I am spending my worship time with Hope at her spot. I've been doing some journaling & trying to work some things out. I quoted CS Lewis on FB last night and the two sentences that keep playing in my mind are these:"I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or, perhaps hard to want to take it in." I won't explain this clearly so I apologize in advance. Words of wisdom, comfort, even scripture Ive found I don't have a very open heart to, I guess I don't want to take them in. If I let them in will I feel less pain, less Hope (my Hope - not the definition), and then will I really begin to lose her? If I let go, begin to forget will she be gone forever? If I don't keep her front and center who will?

I guess it's true how will I keep her in my heart if I allow words of comfort in? Thomas Kempis wrote " for when you think He is a long way from you, he is often quite near." Well that may be true, I'm pretty certain it is but He isn't who I want near & I want what I want. I know how that sounds but writing it here doesn't make it the first time I've thought it. I don't know who I think I'm punishing? If I can't have Hope I won't let anyone in? In my head I know better ,nothing will bring her back.

With the help of good people I am often pointed in the 'right' direction like if you read the Easter gospel from Mark. Jesus says (I'm paraphrasing, probably poorly) do not be afraid I will meet you in Galilee. That's where the women feel safe, I'm not sure where I feel safe any more. Not in public, work, social settings, church, even in the company of family I feel vulnerable. I'm not talkative anymore, I really could stay at home in my "comfy" pants 24/7 & I'd be ok. Sometimes I think I'm the least empathetic most selfish person ( I'm no fishing for compliments here)because I hear things that I once would have found tragic and I think " oh get over it pull up your big girl panties & get on with your day" . Yet with other families constantly facing what we faced I am so concerned with lessening their pain. I don't like this because I know that pain & grief are relative & everyone has theirs to bare. That shouldn't make me want to rank order them in my mind.

Yeah I've lost my focus, the sun is warm and there are birds singing. I should have brought tissues! I love this spot but it's so open that I feel exposed idk maybe that's a good thing. So here is a quote that my head believes but we need to work on that heart thing " you are never alone. In your heart of hearts, in the place where no two people are ever alike, Christ is waiting for you. And what you never dared hope for springs to life", Brother Roger of Taize. Think about that...
Always with Hope in my heart
Deb