1 year 1 month & 9 days later

It's almost May again, Brain Tumor Awareness Month, and I hope you will all participate at a serious level. I hope you will wear Gray &/or any Hope t- shirts you have, I hope you post and re post on your social network sites, I hope you host your own fundraiser, I hope you create your own awareness campaign, I hope you seize this opportunity to push your local media outlets for coverage of brain cancer awareness.

This has not been my most productive work year. The reality of our loss and the depth of the despair I feel has at times limited my ability to see the light. My current position has been eliminated and the first position I interviewed for has been given to someone else. Most of you know I don't prescribe to the 'everything happens for a reason' philosophy. I do know that no matter how badly I sometimes wish I could have gone with her I could not. I have a son to finish raising and a husband to love. This job thing is just one more speed bump on the highway of life. I've already lived through the worst thing a mother could live through so while this is discouraging it is not what it would have been 5 years ago.

Back to the month of May. With JD graduating and all that goes with it, I fear I am not up to the fundraising/awareness that I was so proud of last year. Add to that all the things I think Hope should be doing that she is not and my head and heart are swirling. The ocean of grief is angrily reminding me tonight that swimming to the other side just isn't possible. It's about treading water and not drowning these days. I'm an angry green monster jealous of all the healthy 8 th grade girls getting ready for the dance, the trip to Springfield, the registration for 9th grade. The meets & concerts. It all is one painful reminder that my girl was robbed of her life so quickly I can still hardly believe it was real. 224 days until she died and 405 days later life is just plugging along. Well most are, not so sure ours is. For us it's kind of like going through a tornado and now wandering through the debris that was one your home. Your life and knowing that nothing will ever be OK again.
Always with Hope in my heart
Deb