Milestones

I've decided to write here because the care page just doesn't seem a safe place to rant.  Who ever said that grieving got easier after the 'magical' one year anniversary was CRAZY.  I've decided that with each milestone Hope misses I start the process, in some ways, all over again.  You see with each of the things your children are doing it's just one more thing my Hope is not and damn it she should be.  I think this could be true of many of my grieving mother friends.  I mean certainly Lisa thinks of Benny and what he should be doing and I'm pretty sure that Christy thinks of Lindsey in this way.  It's like this constant recycling of my grief. 

I can't get over how tough even the small milestones are now.  Birthdays...her friends are all now 14 & 15.  She is forever 12 & 3/4.  Her first homecoming has come and gone.  The JV Conf XC meet is today, she isn't.  Auditions for premium blend were last week, this was truly one of her dreams for freshmen year and she wasn't there.  So here is my problem...when your circle of friends was wrapped around the life of your child how do you maintain the friendship without the constant heartbreak?  How do you be gracious and loving and supportive of their children as they grow up and yours doesn't.  Cuz here's the thing...don't invite me or don't include me and I feel hurt and left out.  Invite me and I feel hurt and left out.  It's a lose, lose situation for everyone involved. These should be happy occasions right?  Birthdays, homecomings, successful auditions...and yet if I am present and unable to pretend I stand to put a black spot on the day.  Not what I want that's for sure.  Everyone else' s life goes on and well mine does not.  Hope was just starting to face life as a more independent girl, she was beginning to reach for the stars to be who she would be.