Memories Year 2

Everytime somebody mentions something that took place during Hope's fight but much more so after she died, I often have no memory of what is being talked about. Over the past two weeks I've been flashing back to our days in Apt 413. I have had vivid memories of some of the most difficult days although none were without some bit of action. I was so worried someone would do something to keep her alive that would bring her more pain only at our benefit of having her a little longer. Yet while I worried in the deepest darkest most private space in my heart I wanted nothing more. I mean what if Dr. Stew had been able to get her back to baseline? We might have come home and had many good days. In the end it remains the same outcome but...

The second year first 6 weeks have not been better. It seems that in one way the numbness may be wearing allowing painful memories to come washing ashore. In another way the denial/reality of her loss is bigger by the minute. A friend remembers talking about Hope's journey as Jesus' journey/stations of the cross. She had to go through the pain in those last days on her way to heaven as if she needed to prove to herself she was ready to go and give in to the light that was being sent her way. Memories are a strange thing so comforting and so painful at the same time.

Sara asked me what Hope's favorite part of Easter was? She was a spiritual child and she loved her God. She was shocked that Jesus had to suffer for her, for us. She was very serious when
she talked about her faith. But her favorite part of Easter? Putting her pretty Easter dress often with gloves and hat. Next favorite, the egg hunts at home, rob & Jodies, & Grandma & Grandpa Fuller's. She loved Grandma Fuller's lamb cake. Mimi & Papa were famous for their
baskets. She and Grace had me holding egg hunts in the back yard for weeks after. Hope was a celebrator of all things great and small. She loved to cook and wanted to be in on the action, except for clean up, nobody likes that.

Another thing I can't keep straight are the ages of her friends. Since is 12 (nearing 14) I
think of her friends as being 12. I really have to stop and think, most of her friends are 14. They are light years away from the girls & boys they were when she was diagnosed in July 09 . I am desperate to feel her , in my dreams
, by my side, in a sweet smell. I miss you Hope Fuller.

As for my job I am heading back to my 'roots'. Lots of things have happened recently in my work life that have reminded me that I am not untouchable. Long time employees are as expendable as any others. Loyalty doesn't mean as much as one would hope. In the end this is
NOTHING. Il be fine, I will do my best and I will be fine. Hope attended this school for 1st grade, maybe those memories will bring me peace.
Always with Hope in my Heart
Deb