Thanksgiving ??

So here we are, year 2 sans Hope. I faked it, made a much better effort than last year...but really it wasn't any better, it wasn't any easier. It was a good day covered in a layer of Hope should have been heres. It is I guess how they say it is, finding the ability to put it somewhere. Where? Oh who the hell cares? The world keeps on spinning... Like it or not. Finding the depth of Gratitude for life , that I once had, seems highly unlikely. I'm grateful for Patti's good prognosis, grateful for JD being home...grateful for family and friends. It's the depth of the loss though that makes this gratitude harder to proclaim. Whoo hoo I'm blessed with yada yada yada...but oh yeah my daughter is dead. Bubble burst, reality present.
I just can't say Happy Thanksgiving. I'm grateful (kind of) but not happy.
AWHIMH

Just because your child dies doesn't mean you know it all...Cancer Sucks

So I'm in an interesting position now.  I'm the friend of a cancer patient.  I'm not the mother of one.  My friend is not dieing.  My daughter was.  I was the tiger mother in full defensive & protective mode.  I am not the family member this time, I am not the tiger friend.  It is not my place to defend nor protect.  It wasn't hard to take that role with Hope, it was my destiny.  It was my role.  It was my life.  It is hard now, with my friend, not to take that role. 

I didn't know what I wanted from friends then.  She doesn't know now.  I didn't know how to share with my friends the intense fear and gut wrenching emotions I felt.  I expect her to share with me because I know.  I get it.  But I don't, get it, do I?  I'm frustrated by the fact that I've been shut out and yet I am famous at the shutting.  I didn't like the attention that Hope's cancer and death brought to us.  I longed for the days when we were just us.  She doesn't like the attention her Cancer brings to her.  I know how I felt and why I felt it but I don't know what she's feeling and why she feels that way.  I want to help though.  I don't want to be shut out.  I don't like not being in the know. 

I'm an expert at me, I know what feels like to be told your daughter will die, most likely in the next 6-9 months.  I know what it's like to live those months with a deep ache inside and a longing for it not to be so.  I've met with the funeral director and told him it will be a cold day in hell before we hold a 2 day "celebration".  I know what it's like to live for the past 605 days wishing on some of them that I could have gone with her.  I've been around the block, but the funny thing about all of this I don't know one lousy thing about what my friend is going through.  I don't know what it's like to hear that I'll need both of my breasts removed.